Friends,
This last week was both wonderful and difficult.
Wonderful, because I was part of “Lamb of God” which is an oratorio by Rob Gardner highlighting the last week of Christ’s life. I was the narrator (there was a male and a female narrator), and I had the entire score in my hands. I had to pay attention the whole time so I wouldn’t miss my lines, and so the rich words of the songs and other narration filled me. I went to bed one night with Pilate’s voice in my head, the next night with Judas’ words. Other nights with Peter or Thomas or Mary’s songs. I was filled with love for Christ and for all who were with Him in his final days. I have been absentmindedly humming many of the songs for weeks now!
Let me also tell you…the talent in this production was fantastic! There were 71 people in the choir, 51 people in the orchestra, and 14 soloists and 2 narrators. Each person bore testimony of Christ in the way they diligently studied and performed their parts.
It was a beautifully impactful experience for me, and Easter will never be the same again.
I wish I could meet Rob Gardner and geek out with him about all of the intricacies of the production.
**Sigh.
So that was wonderful.
The difficult part is that Lamb of God ended (always hard when something big is over)
…and…
…I received a few rejections from fabric companies I shared my portfolio with.
Rejection is not fun, friends!
I’m sure you’ve put yourself out there in some way or another at some point in your life. Sharing yourself, sharing something you’ve created puts you in a very vulnerable space.
Even though I knew rejections would come, even though I pep-talked myself numerous times about how not everyone will love my work, even though I KNEW it wasn’t probable to get a “yes” from the very first company I approached, I was still so sad when the “no’s” came. I fought it, but the sadness creeped into me until I was saying things like, “of course they don’t want my work. This idea probably won’t work. I’m not sure why I’m doing this.”
It is so very easy to explain all the reasons why you’re not good enough.
I talked with my mom, who is so very wise, and she said, I paraphrase, “What if the only reason you did this work was because you felt inspired by God to do it? Not to get licensed, not to be recognized, not to make money. Just because God told you to.”
Of course a whole bunch of, “but…but…but” thoughts swelled inside of me, wanting to reject her idea.
It took a few days, but I think she was right. If I think: “I got this far, if I did all of this just because God put this desire in my heart to create these patterns,” that idea does feel good and right.
I also choose to believe that God uses each of us to bless others, so I think he’ll get some use out of my work, sometime, somehow. But until then…I’m going to choose to enjoy the contentment that comes from knowing I did what He asked me to do.
Also, I listened to a Brene Brown TED talk called “The Power of Vulnerability,”and I learned a few things about vulnerability. I’d highly recommend the talk, she has a funny, self-deprecating way of teaching.
Here are my favorite quotes from that talk:
“The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.”
“Courage, the original definition of courage…was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”
The whole-hearted had, “the courage to be imperfect, compassion to be kind to themselves first, and connection as a result of authenticity. They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable nor did they really talk it being excruciating, they just talked about it being necessary.”
My take-away from her words:
If I can believe I am worthy of belonging in the fabric designing community, I will avoid imposter-syndrome and I will feel like I belong.
I need to be myself, my faith-driven self, and I need to be kind to myself – especially when I hear a “no.”
I need to accept vulnerability as part of my journey – not for better or for worse, but just because it must be.
I need to remember the beauty that comes from sharing, with vulnerability, my faith in God through my work.
Phew! I’m so glad this is a journey and not a destination! I’m putting on my big girl panties and getting back to work, Friends! I hope you can move forward in your work – the very important, essential work God has put in your heart to accomplish – with courage, compassion, connection and even vulnerability!
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